October 12, 2021
I want to think of myself as creative. But does being creative only inside my head actually count? Do partial ideas count? Because I have tons of those! Why am I so terrible at execution of ideas? I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently, mostly because I am privileged enough to not have to work outside my home anymore and now I have all kinds of time to actually DO things. But I don’t. I get stuck with the partial ideas, just being an idea fairy. Why can’t I turn these partial ideas into complete ideas and then into reality? I think I know, but I don’t want to say it out loud because then, it will be true. But is it more true by saying it out loud and admitting it? Is it less true if I quietly hold it inside? Nope. It’s true no matter where it is – FEAR. I’m afraid of trying something and it being awful and terrible and even more than that, I’m afraid of the shame I will feel. Because that is what I feel when I ‘fail’ at something. And then I get angry, frustrated, bitter and sometimes I even lash out at those around me (my family).
But you know what’s even more frustrating than that? I AM A HYPOCRITE! If one of my friends came to me with this same scenario, I would 1000% encourage them to just go for it! The shame is self-imposed and no one around you gives a damn if you ‘fail’! Your own assessment of ‘failure’ is likely inaccurate anyway! You know that feeling of shame when you believe you’ve ‘failed’ at something, does it kill you? Does it harm you? NO! So sit in it, feel it, then realize you’re going to be fine and MOVE ON!
That’s what I would say to a friend. And I wholeheartedly believe it. So why can’t I do the same? Because I don’t even know where to start – I can’t just undo the way I’ve existed my whole life. I’ve got to dismantle this thing one brick at a time! So, that’s what I’m going to try to do. Yesterday, I had an idea come to me for our guest bathroom, which happens to also be the only bathroom on our main living level. In my mind I can see this beautiful, dusty, moody pink all over the walls with black and white floor tile. That’s all I can see right now. Since this isn’t a room we’re planning to tackle in the very near future, old me would just forget about this thought and move on. But this morning after the kids left for school and I was sitting with my coffee and a design book, I had another thought about that black and white tile. So what did I do? I put that book down and ran to get my design ideas/planning notebook and some graph paper. And I just sketched out a couple of ideas. No commitment to them, no judging them, I just wanted to practice letting this happen and come into reality. Are my sketches good? Nope. Do I know this will be how things eventually end up in there? Nope. But just the fact that I stopped and allowed the ideas to come out for a few minutes without negative self-talk felt great – scary and uncomfortable – but great.
That’s one brick down, countless more to go …..
Dont Should on Me 