Dont Should on Me

October 27, 2021

I am trying to become the do-er. The person who sees a goal, makes actionable steps toward that goal, and then consistently executes on those steps. I’m terrible at it. I get started, then stop, my attention is all over the place. When I started the post about my running journey, I had no clue it would take me almost a week to write. It probably took almost a week to read too. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I can’t seem to lock in to a pattern and execute consistently. I still don’t have an answer. Is it a lack of motivation? Is it a deep-down lack of desire? Is it something psychological, like depression, anxiety, or even ADD? Yep, still don’t know – I guess knowing might settle my mind a little but honestly, I’m scared to know. I become paralyzed by all the partial thoughts and ideas I have (most recently about interior design) and can’t seem to make headway on any of them. 

I read Syd and Shea McGee’s book, Make Life Beautiful, and actually found it inspiring. One of the things I remember was Shea’s idea of creating ‘moments’. One of my favorite bloggers, Julia Marcum from ChrisLovesJulia, also says this. Julia says you can start loving your home just as it is by creating little spaces, one at a time, that you love. So I’m trying to do this. But it’s so hard and I get so frustrated at my lack of skill at styling. I recently looked at a styled photograph and counted the number of decorative objects on this styled cabinet. It was something like 16. Now when I try to style a cabinet, it just looks cluttered. I know I just need to practice this more and learn to embrace the process of moving things around 500 times before I feel at peace with it. 

I also have to let go of the notion that it is a waste of time to move things around 500 times. I definitely felt this way when my kids were younger and I was working outside the home full time with long commutes. But now I am fortunate that I get to be home to manage our day-to-day household while my husband works his tail off. I have taken interior design on as a hobby, so it is not a waste of time to put effort into that hobby. Just as I spend countless hours training for a huge race, I should feel ok spending time training my design muscles. I’m nagged by thoughts that I should be doing something ‘productive’ because thinking about things isn’t productive. But creatives think about things, they actually sit down and spend time creating. It’s a process, getting these bricks of self-doubt loose. But I’m here for it. I am tenacious and I will get that brick loose.